As I near the end of my third year of treatment, my feelings of not being “tough enough” are beginning to take hold. Maybe this is the best I will ever feel, maybe I need to be stronger, maybe I share too much, maybe the search for a doctor or treatment that will be my “miracle” will never happen and I should just be thankful I have made it this far?? So many doubts and no real answers. You tend to not share as much how treatment is going or how you are feeling as who still wants to hear? It is a forever burden and struggle in my world but to the outside maybe I’m complaining too much or seeking attention. All things I do not want to be viewed as.
I started a new treatment this last week and with that comes new medicines, a new diet, new detox methods, and a few bad days as your body gets used to the new routine. All things you know will happen but things you are not excited to handle yet again. It was yet time again to go through my meds and organize, reschedule the daily ritual…. Meds, exercise, rest, detox and more meds. Somedays it feels like a full time job just surviving. It was eye opening as well as heartbreaking to lay out all the meds and to know these are just a small fraction of all that I have put my poor body through. How can that even be? It is no wonder I can’t get my weight down or I’m exhausted or this journey feels too heavy. Maybe I have been tough enough and doing my best? Maybe this journey is not easy, maybe it is overwhelming and exhausting, and maybe just maybe your best is good enough. That’s my hope. The hope that you are not a burden, you are not a complainer, and that even though I am only about ½ way through treatment, the ones that matter will still be there to cheer you on, listen to your struggles and know you are doing the very best you can with the journey you have been handed. The hope that you are tough enough to make it through.
Everyone struggles, I think the goal is to take each step one at a time and try your very best. There will be falls, stumbles and failures but maybe in all those we find our strength as well as the appreciation to enjoy those beautiful moments just a tiny bit more. There is a country song that I just love, “Hard Days” by Bradley Gilbert. The lyrics are fitting, you would never understand the good moments without the hard ones. Maybe that was the gift I was given
To all my fellow Lymies.. I hear you and I am always in your corner cheering you on.