I have never felt so scared, alone, or so unsure of my strength in all my life!
When I first started my journey, I tried to write down my thoughts with hopes of sharing them in a blog such as this. Little did I know, treatment would take so very much….energy, time, strength & so much more. I share with you a look into my thoughts after my first IV treatment….
It’s been a few days since my last post but it has been a very emotional week. For any of you heading into your first Lyme treatment, be ready for the emotional roller coaster of your life! My emotions became extremely high 3 days before the BIG day. I found myself crying everyday, all day. My fear for the unknown was way more than I ever could imagine, and my courage to face what was to come came to a halt. I have never felt so scared, alone, or so unsure of my strength in all my life! The fear brought with it nights I thought this world would be best without me and my loved ones would be better off without the burden that comes with this crazy disease. You begin to feel so very sorry for the burden you have become.. Whether it be time, emotional energy or monetarily, it all takes a toll on one’s family. My emotions were so unlike me that I fought with special people I should not have, distanced myself from others who cared, and held on tight to my girls who I love so very much. To say “hot mess” is to understate my feelings / behavior. On the BIG day, I cried the 2 hour drive it took to my doctor’s office and keeping anything down was nonexistent and the fear increased the closer I got to the appointment. Walking into the IV room for the first time, all I could do was to just stand there taking it all in. There were so many devices I had never seen, hoses seemed to be everywhere, chairs were full of others in treatment, and all I could do was cry. It all was becoming a reality and so very much overwhelming. The three year journey I took to get to this point came crashing down and the reality of the hard journey ahead became extremely heavy. Anyone that has taken a crazy journey such as this knows just how emotional it truly is. The nurse took 3 tries and 2 arms to get my IV catheter in and by that time I was a blubbering mess. This truly could not be my new life but after two hours hooked up to an IV, you begin the steps to accepting your new reality, your new life. One you would give anything NOT to have to walk down.
I will assure you that when you finish your first treatment, you feel like you can take on the world. You feel pretty badass 🙂 When they hand you more pills than you ever thought one should take, you again feel you can take on the world. I mean who really takes 54 doses of medication twice a day and is not a superhero in their own right. I do now understand the “pill tool box” all the sites joked about.. seriously NOT a joke and I hear I am only warming up…. yay me !
So far through this journey, I have learned tears are a part of everyday life. Each day is a minute by minute struggle to make it through or find your smile.. Your strength. Every minute brings something different, good or bad and each minute we find some sort of strength to make it through.
For those of you who struggle with Lyme or something just as hard, know you are NOT alone! Know when others do not understand… others so very much do! On the days you feel life is better without you, know you are so very WRONG.. this world needs your wonderful smile. When you feel like you have nothing left to give, know you have MORE and are stronger than you ever thought you could be. You are amazing, special, a worrier, a fighter, and the strongest person ever! Know you got this!!!!